This page will give a basic overview of what healthy boundaries are, how we can set them, and why they’re important. Setting boundaries is not an easy process, especially if you are trying to set boundaries with a narcissist, a sociopath, or a generally manipulative person who does not respect boundaries. For more personalized help on setting healthy boundaries, consider reaching out to a mental health professional.

What Are Boundaries?Boundaries vs. UltimatumsFour Steps to Setting Healthy BoundariesDon’t Be Ashamed of Setting Healthy Boundaries!Quotes about Setting Healthy Boundaries

What Are Boundaries?

Boundaries vs. Ultimatums

Four Steps to Setting Healthy Boundaries

Don’t Be Ashamed of Setting Healthy Boundaries!

Quotes about Setting Healthy Boundaries

Boundaries are markers in which one thing ends and another begins. Boundaries can be physical, like a boundary that denotes where one property ends and another begins. They can also be intangible. People set healthy boundaries to define where acceptable behaviors end and unacceptable behaviors begin.

Think of yourself as a person with a circle drawn around your personal space. To enter your personal space, a person has to behave a certain way. Once the person crosses boundaries, you do not have to allow them access to your person or your personal space.

These lines aren’t always clear, so you need to communicate your boundaries to others in order to define who gets to enter your personal space.

Examples of Healthy Boundaries

Some boundaries are clear, while others aren’t until they are communicated.

Setting boundaries can feel shameful, especially for people-pleasers or those who grew up with boundary-crossing family members. At first glance, a boundary can even feel like an ultimatum. But there is a crucial difference between boundaries and ultimatums that you should understand before setting boundaries for yourself.

Boundaries are about whatyouwill tolerate. Ultimatums are about controlling the behaviors of another person. If you want to set a boundary regarding yelling, you can set that boundary. The person can yell at whoever else they want, but they know that yelling in front of you is not acceptable.

Think of a boundary like a rule regarding shoes in the house. Some people tolerate shoes in their house. Other people require the guests take off their shoes before entering. The person who sets a “shoes off” boundary is not trying to tell guests that they are never allowed to wear shoes again. Just not in their house! It completely depends on the nature of the person and what they want to tolerate in their space.

Setting boundaries is not always easy - that’s why they’re so important to set! The following four steps will put you on your way toward happier, calmer relationships with those closest to you.

Determine Your Boundaries.

Take time to intentionally identify your boundaries. What behaviors are acceptable for some may not be acceptable for others. How do you want people to treat you? When do they “cross the line?”

Before you identify specific behavior, identify how you want the people in your life to make you feel. Supported? Loved? Cared for? Safe? Write down these goal feelings as you identify the behaviors that get you there.

Practice Setting Them With People You Trust.

Even though you identify behaviors that are unacceptable, sharing this with boundary-crossing people can be intimidating. Before you set hard boundaries, practice! Talk to someone who you trust. They would never display this behavior, which means they are likely to validate your boundaries even as you express them. Be clear in your intentions for practicing, but be firm just like you would with someone who doesn’t trust to respect those boundaries.

Here’s an example of how you can practice boundary-setting with a friend that you trust:

“I’ve been thinking about my boundaries and the behaviors I want to tolerate in my space. I’m going to start enforcing a no-yelling policy. If someone yells around me after I set this boundary, I’m simply going to leave the room or hang up the phone. How does that sound?”

Clearly Communicate Your Boundaries.

Once you feel comfortable stating your boundaries, communicate them to the people who need to hear them. Ask them to sit down with you, without distractions, so that you can share this information. It may be new to them. They might not realize that certain behaviors make you upset. This is the best-case scenario - they will hear what you have to say and make a conscious effort to stop the behavior and make you feel the way you want to feel in your relationship.

Not all boundaries will be respected immediately. If a person objects to your boundary, stay strong. Let them know how you feel when this boundary is crossed, and let them know that this is a boundary moving forward. You can only change yourself. You can set the boundary, and now that you have, the ball is in the other person’s court to respect it. If they can’t respect it, they will have to deal with the consequences.

Reinforce Them.

If a person believes they can cross your boundaries without consequence, they will. By failing to reinforce your boundaries, you give people reason to believe that your boundaries don’t have to be respected. Once a person tries to cross your boundary, reinforce the boundary and act accordingly. If you set a boundary and let a family member know they cannot call you names, for example, remind the person of that boundary. Then, take the time to leave the room or hang up the phone when the name-calling begins.

Reassess As Needed.

Boundaries are flexible. You determine what you allow in your space and what is unacceptable. A person, for example, can decide that shoes are allowed in the house during the drier months but require that they are removed during the rainy season. Boundaries are more likely to be respected when they are reinforced and remain consistent, but they can be changed after a period of time if you decide that the boundary is not right for you.

At the end of the day, healthy boundaries can help you create a space suited for your well-being. They are like a muscle - something to be strengthened through practice and flexed to be your best self!

If you feel hesitant about setting boundaries, know that you are not alone. This Reddit post discusses how setting boundaries can feel shameful for someone with CPTSD. The user says:

“I still feel guilty and ashamed for getting 10 and a 1/2 hours of sleep and actually sticking to a schedule that honors that. I’m afraid to tell people that it’s the sleeping schedule I prefer because I’m afraid of being shamed and ridiculed for it.

I remember telling a group of the toxic friends that the abusive family hung out with. They all laughed at me and made jokes about it for the rest of the night.

Commenters let the OP know that they should not feel shameful for setting a boundary, saying things like:

Communities like this subreddit can validate your boundaries, although you alone should identify what those boundaries are.

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Reference this article:Practical Psychology. (2022, December).Healthy Boundaries FAQ (Definition, Examples, Questions).Retrieved from https://practicalpie.com/healthy-boundaries/.Practical Psychology. (2022, December). Healthy Boundaries FAQ (Definition, Examples, Questions). Retrieved from https://practicalpie.com/healthy-boundaries/.Copy

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Practical Psychology. (2022, December).Healthy Boundaries FAQ (Definition, Examples, Questions).Retrieved from https://practicalpie.com/healthy-boundaries/.Practical Psychology. (2022, December). Healthy Boundaries FAQ (Definition, Examples, Questions). Retrieved from https://practicalpie.com/healthy-boundaries/.Copy

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